(HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. STAGE LIGHTS OFF. WE OPEN WITH THE LAUREL AND HARDY SIGNATURE TUNE, "YOU’RE CUCKOO". THE SPOTLIGHT PICKS OUT THE CENTRE OF THE CURTAIN, THROUGH WHICH APPEARS THE ORNITHOLOGIST)

Ah yes, The cuckoo. Interesting bird. Most interesting. To the, ah, professional ornithologist, that is. The cuckoo. A member of the genus Cucculidae.

(SOUND OF SHIP’S SIREN. THE ORNITHOLOGIST LOOKS A LITTLE PUT OUT BUT DECIDES TO CONTINUE)

It’s arrival in this country is generally in the, ah, Spring.

(THE SHIPS SIREN DROWNS HIM AND MIXES TO GI’s SINGING)

Over there! Over there!

Send the word, send the word,

Over there!

That the Yanks are coming,

(BEGIN DRUM ROLL)

The Yanks are coming,

With drums rum-tumming

Everywhere!

(THE DRUMS RISE TO A PEAK AND VOICES FADE OUT. THE SOUND OF THE DRUMS MIXES WITH THE NOISE OF BOMBARDMENT, WITH THE ORNITHOLOGIST GROWING MORE BEWILDERED AND ANNOYED. THE SOUND FADES, AND THE ORNITHOLOGIST CONTINUES)

The male has a familiar call-note

(SINGLE WOLF-WHISTLE)

which is heard at frequent intervals, particularly during the, ah, mating season.

(CHORUS OF WOLF-WHISTLES. THE ORNITHOLOGIST APPEARS TO DECIDE TO LEAVE THE STAGE LEFT, BUT CHANGES HIS MIND AS HE APPROACHES THE WINGS AND HAS ONE LAST TRY)

The, ah, intruder quickly establishes for himself a position of, ah, dominance in the territory.

(THE SPOTLIGHT DIMS ON THE ORNITHOLOGIST AS THE CURTAINS SLOWLY OPEN ON A MOONLIT SCENE, WITH ELMER AND DORIS ON A BENCH, BACKS TO THE AUDIENCE)

Now you stop it at once, do you hear, Elmer! Just because you’re American doesn’t give you the right to take liberties, you know!

Aw, Dawrus, baby, honeypie, come one!

Stop it! Stop it at once, do you hear?

Aw, come on, sugar, you don’t mean that!

Elmer Swensen, you just -!

Dawrus, baby, won’t you just give a break to a poor lonesome boy a long ways from home?

Elmer, no! You just keep your hands to yourself, do you hear?

(MUFFLED) Mmmm! Dawrus baby, you know I’m just nuts about you!

No, Elmer, no! I promised Sam. I did. I promised.

Sam?

My boy friend. In the Navy.

You’n this Sam engaged, then?

Well, not exactly engaged. I - well, I just promised him.

Promised him what, honey?

Oh you! I promised I’d - well, save myself for him.

Honeychile, you could get to be real old ‘n grey keepin’ promises like that!

What do you mean?

Did this guy - this Sam - did he promise to keep himself for you? Well, honeypie? Did he?

Yes. Yes, of course. Of course he did.

You don’t sound too sure, baby.

Of course I’m sure. Sam’s not - well, he’s not like that.

(LAUGHS) Be your age, baby! You know what they say about sailors? A wife in every port? You reckon this Sam’s any different from any other gob?

Sam-s not like that! He’s not!

Don’t gimme that, sugar! He’s probably kicking it around right now with some coffee- coloured broad.

I don’t believe it! Not Sam. Sam wouldn’t do that. Never!

Get wise to yourself, baby. He’s been away how long?

Four years, nearly.

Four years? Four whole years? And you claim he’s been keeping it on ice all that time? Aw, come, baby, you know better than that! Come to daddy, huh?

No, Elmer, no! Elmer, please!

(THE CURTAINS BEGIN TO CLOSE)

It’s not fair! Elmer! (SHE IS STILL PROTESTING AS THE CUTAINS CLOSE COMPLETELY, AND THE ORNITHOLOGIST APPEARS ONCE MORE IN THE SPOTLIGHT)

Despite the fact that the, ah, mating practises are, ah, normal, in every other respect, it is almost unknown for any permanent attachment to be formed.

(SOUND OF SHIP’S SIREN)

Invariably the female seeks the nest of some other, ah, host, in which to lay her eggs.

(SPOTLIGHT FADES ON ORNITHOLOGIST AS CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL DORIS AND SAM. THERE IS A NOISE OF DRUNKEN REVERLY OFF)

Sam, there’s something you got to know!

(LOOKING TOWARDS THE REVELRY) Save it, duchess!

Sam, it’s important.

(STILL NOT LISSTENING) Now, now, old gel. You’n me fer a bit of a celebration fust, eh?

Sam, please!

(AT LAST PAYING ATTENTION) Look, I got me gratuity. I got me girl. You want to argue?

Sam, listen to me!

Aw, come on, it’ll keep, it’ll keep. They’ve been open ten minutes already. An’ I’ve got a thirst I wouldn’t sell for a fiver.

(HE DRAGS HER OFF AS THE REVELRY INCREASES AND THE CURTAINS CLOSE, WITH THE ORNITHOLOGIST ONCE MORE IN THE SPOTLIGHT)

Some species of host accept the intruder’s egg as their own, even when it is, ah, conspicuously different. When the intruder then hatches out it is fed by the, ah, owner of the nest.

(CURTAINS OPEN ON DORIS AND SAM AGAIN)

No, no, I can’t let you do it, Sam.

Now you look ‘ere, old gel -

It’s ever so nice of you. Just what I’d expect. But it’s not yours and - I - I’m not going to let - (SHE BREAKS DOWN)

now you listen ‘ere, Doris. Let’s ‘ave no more o’ that! We’ll go down the register office Saturday ‘n get it all fixed up shipshape ‘n Bristol fashion, like.

No, Sam, no.

Don’t yer want me then?

It’s not that!

What yer think I’ve been waitin’ for all these years, eh?

No, no, you can’t!

Now that’ll do, old gel. Just dry your eyes. Next Saturday an’ no argument, see? Your Ernie can give you away, seein’ as yer Dad’s not demobbed yet. An’ we can’t wait, can we? An’ then we’ll ‘ave a bit of a knees-up Saturday night, an’ then you’n me’ll ‘ave a few days dahn at Sarfend, eh? What yer say?

Sam, I shouldn’t oughter let you. I know I shouldn’t. You make me feel proper ashamed.

None o’ that, see! I ain’t been no angel meself these last few years, I can tell yer.

(CURTAINS SLOWLY CLOSE)

So let’s ‘ear no more of it, eh?

(THE CURTAINS REMAIN CLOSED, WITH THE VOICES OF SAM AND DORIS HEARD THROUGH THEM, ON TAPE AND AMPLIFIED)

Sam!

(SLEEPILY) Yeah?

You awake?

I am now, old gel.

(SIGHS)

‘Ere, what’s up?

Oh, nothing….

Come on now, what is it?

(BEGINS TO WEEP)

‘Ere, ‘ere, none o’ that now! Supposed to be yer perishin’ ‘oneymoon. Wedded bliss, ‘n all that! Can’t ‘ave yer pipin’ yer eye, can we?

Fine sort of ‘oneymoon it is for you!

You ‘eard me complainin’, then?

No, of course not. (PAUSE) Sam!

Yeah?

You sorry?

Sorry? What abaht?

You know.

Doris, I don’t know what yer on abaht.

I mean, you got any regrets, like?

Regrets? What for?

Oh, you know.

Oh that! (PAUSE) Course not.

(TEARFULLY) You don’t sound so sure.

Course I’m sure. Weeell…..

(WEEPING) I knew it! I knew it! I knew you had.

Nothin’ of the sort!

You are sorry!

No, I’m not! Not a bit!

You are! You are!

I’m not, I tell yer!

There’s something.

What d’yer mean?

You were going to say.

When?

Just now.

No, I wasn’t.

You were! You were! What was it?

It was - well….

I knew it! You are sorry!

I wasn’t going to say nothin’ of the sort.

What then? What were you going to say?

This American bloke - this Elmer….

Yes?

Was he - ? Look, I don’t know nothin’ abaht him, do I? I mean, was he - well, normal, like?

Normal?

I mean, ‘e wasn’t black? Nothin’ like that?

*HER TEARS CEASING AT ONCE) Black?

Yeah. You know.

Black? (SHE BEGINS TO LAUGH. AS SHE LOSES CONTROL, SAM JOINS IN. THERE IS A THUNDEROUS KNOCKING ON THE BEDROOM WALL, AND THE LAUGHTER IS STIFLED)

Blimey, mate, what’s that for? Ain’t yer never ‘ad a ‘oneymoon couple ‘ere before? (THE GIGGLING CONTINUES AND FADES OUT, AND THE SPOTLIGHT COMES UP ON THE ORNITHOLOGIST)

The young, ah, intruder develops rapidly, displaying characteristics at great, ah, variance from the parent birds. It competes with marked success against aggressive rivals for the means of livelihood. (SPOTLIGHT DIMMED AS CURTAINS OPEN ON DOMESTIC SCENE. SAM AND DORIS, TWENTY-ONE YEARS OLDER, ARE DRESSED IN THEIR BEST, APPARENTLY TO GO OUT FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION)

Sam, we ought to go. I’ve got some things to get ready when we get to the Hall. (PAUSE) I can’t say as I’m looking forward to that stuff they call music nowadays.

Suites me, old gel. I don’t want to ‘ang abaht. Music? Five minutes o’ that’s a basinful, if y’ask me!

It’s so loud!

Not our sort of thing at all.

He’s ever so good, though, you must admit. Who’d have thought, when we bought him his first guitar! His own group!

Yeah. No accountin’ for taste. Daft names an’ all. The Piltdown Men. Not that they don’t look at it

Oh, the trouble with you is you don’t appreciate music.

The trouble with me is I do. If I had my way they’d all be wearing their guitars like collars (PICKS UP A GUITAR AND DEMONSTRATES) All right, come on! ‘E’ll just ‘ave to come on later - when ‘e gets ‘ere!

Shouldn’t we give him just a few more minutes?

All right. We’ll just ‘ave to get a move on when ‘e does arrive. If he ever does!

Sam, do you think anything can have happened to him?

Somethin’ll ‘appen to ‘im when ‘e does get ‘ere, I can tell yer! Late for ‘is own twenty-first party!

Now you let him be, Sam! If out Malcolm’s late, he’s got a good reason.

You! You’d let ‘im get away with murder.

(SOUND OF DOOR, OFF)

There he is!

Malcolm!

Yes, Dad?

I’ll give you ‘Yes, Dad’. Where the ‘ell ‘ave you been? Keepin’ folk waitin’ - and today of all days!

I’m sorry, Dad! It was important, though.

More important than your own twenty-first?

Now, Sam!

There were reasons I couldn’t make it any earlier.

You’ll ‘ave to do better than that.

I had a date.

What! You were late for your own party because of some perishin’ bird?

No, it was business.

Business?

Eh? It’d better be important business then. Just think of all the work your mother’s ‘ad, not to mention your Auntie Vi. An’ you couldn’t get here on time!

I’m sorry, Dad. But it was important!

If you say so, ducks.

‘Ere, ‘ere, ‘old on! ‘E ‘asn’t convinced me yet!

I had to see Mort Sloane.

Mort - ? An’ ‘oo’s ‘e when ‘e’s at home?

Sam, give the lad a chance!

Morton Sloane. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of him, but when he’s at home he’s one of the top men in showbiz in the United States. And over here.

Well?

Sam, can’t you see Malcolm’s trying to tell us something?

Well? we’re waiting.

Now hold everything, both of you. (PAUSE) He’s offered us a tour.

What’s that>

He’s offered the group a tour. In the States. New York, Nashville, Las Vegas, Miami. You name it.

Well, I’ll be - !

Oh, Malcolm, such a long away!

Aren’t you pleased?

(TEARFULLY) Course we are! It’s wonderful! (BEGINNING TO WEEP) Isn’t it, Sam? It’s marvellous!

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is.

So you see, I couldn’t help being a bit late.

Course you couldn’t, ducks.

Aren’t you pleased, Dad?

Pleased? I can’t take it in, son. ‘ Oo’d ‘ave thought our Malcolm -? Put it there, son! Late? Think nothin’ of it! I’m only sorry I went off at the deep end.

Oh, that’s all right.

All right? I’ll say it’s all right! ‘Ere, what are we all standin’ abaht for? Come on, young Malcolm, you’ve got a speech to make today. Come on! You’ll knock ‘em cold wi’ that bit of news!

(LIGHTS DOWN AS THEY EXEUNT, AND UP ALMOST AT ONCE ON NEXT SCENE)

Oh, I do wish you’d let us come to the aeroplanes with you, ducks!

It’s all right, Mum, don’t fuss!

I wish you were going on a ship. I don’t like them things.

Fat lot of use that’d be, Mum, if anything went wrong. I can’t swim a stroke. You wouldn’t let me go in the baths in case I got a chill, remember?

You’ve got that address, haven’t you?

Mum, I’ve even got a hot water bottle to put under my seat on the plane, in case it hasn’t been properly aired. Do stop fussing!

And you’ll watch them American girls, won’t you, ducks? They’re all gold-diggers, you know.

They’ll have a tough job digging any out of me, Mum. I’ll help ‘em look for it.

(SOUND OF MOTOR HORN OFF)

There’s the taxi! Cheerio, Mum! Wish me luck!

(THEY GO OFF TOGETHER AS THE LIGHTS FADE, AND COME UP AGAIN ON DORIS, SEATED IN A CHAIR, KNITTING. SOUND OF DOOR, OFF)

Sam? That you?

It ‘ad better be! (ENTERING) ‘Oo was you expectin’, then?

Who do you think?

Tea ready?

Yes. As soon as you are.

Righto! (OFF) Any news?

What do you say?

(OFF) I said any news? Any thing from our Malcolm? Seems like ‘e’s been gone for years.

(QUIETLY) Yes.

What’s that? I can’t hear yer with this tap runnin’!

There’s a letter.

(ENTERING) What’s that? A letter? Why didn’t yer say?

Oh, it’s awful.

‘Ere, what’s up now?

It’s awful!

Hey, come on, what’s upsettin’ you, ducks?

Read it yourself! Here! (HANDS HIM THE LETTER)

Now what is it? (BEGINS TO READ) Blimey! ‘E don’t waste ink, does he? Ten lines! Real chatty!

You see?

No, ducks, I don’t. I ‘aven’t read it yet, ‘ave I?

(READS LETTER AS DORIS WEEPS)

I can’t see anythin’ ‘ere to cry about, ducks. ‘E seems to be enjoyin’ himself.

He’s met a girl!

Yeah, I read that!

Of, it’s awful! Awful!

I don’t get it. What’s so awful about that?

An American girl!

Well, she would be, wouldn’t she? Over there, I mean.

Oh, I wish he’d never gone!

‘Ere, ‘old on, old gel. The world ‘asn’t come to an end just because our Malcolm’s met a girl. Even if she does talk down ‘er ‘ooter.

He says her name’s Cindy Lou!

Yeah, I read that as well. Sounds more like a racehorse.

It’s Lucinda Louise, really.

That’s nice.

Oh, will you be serious for a minute?

I’ll be serious all right when I see somethin’ to be serious about. Let’s wait and see, shall we?

(THEY SETTLE DOWN, SUDDENLY BECOMING QUITE MOTIONLESS IN THE ACT OF WHATEVER THEY ARE DOING, AS THE VOICE OF MALCOLM COMES THROUGH THE AMPLIFIER)

Dear Mum and Dad, Since my last letter to you we’ve really been moving around, and the group’s going over big. I’m having a great time because Cindy’s father said she could come with us and our road manager could keep an eye on her. I know you’ll like her, both of you. She’s a great little swinger.

(SAM AND DORIS COME TO LIFE AGAIN AND GO ON WITH WHAT THEY WERE DOING, SUDDENLY FREEZING ONCE MORE AS MALCOLM’S VOICE IS HEARD AGAIN)

Dear Mum and Dad, I’ve got some great news for you. Cindy and me are engaged. We’re not going to do anything about a wedding till I get home, but I’m going to bring her with me, so get ready to meet your new daughter-in-law. That sure was a great contact you gave me, Mum. Thanks a million. Must go now. The cab’s here, and we’ve got to get to the airport. Miami next stop. Wish us luck.

(SAM AND DORIS COME TO LIFE AGAIN, AND DORIS BEGINS TO WEEP)

Now what’s wrong, ducks? I’d have thought you’d be pleased to see him safely married.

Not to her, Sam! Not to her!

I don’t understand you Doris. You ‘aven’t even met the girl. Or her folks.

I know she’s not right for him.

‘Ow can you possibly know that when you’ve never met ‘em?

But I have! I have!

You’ve met her?

No, no! Not her!

‘ Oo then?

Her father.

I must be stupid or somethin’ You’ve met Cindy Lou’s old man?

Yes.

‘E’s been ‘ere, ‘as he?

No, no, of course not!

Doris, you’re going to have to ‘ave to draw me a diagram. If ‘e ‘asn’t been ‘ere, ‘ow could yer possibly have met ‘im?

Oh, it was years ago!

Years ago? (PAUSE) ‘Ere, just a minute! Just a minute! It’s not the bloke what -!

Yes, yes! Oh, it’s awful!

Him! Whatsisname? Well, swipe me, what a coincidence! Our Malcolm goes over the water. God knows ‘ow many million people there is over there. And what ‘appens? ‘E runs into the one bloke what… Well, Doris there’s only one thing to be said.

What’s that?

It’s a small world.

No, no! You’ve got it wrong! It wasn’t a coincidence at all.

Not a -? Then ‘ow the ‘ell did it happen? Doris, you don’t mean you -?

Yes, yes.

You sent ‘im there?

Yes, of course.

I don’t see any of course abaht it.

I didn’t see no harm in it. Our Malcolm doesn’t know about - that business. (BREAKS DOWN AGAIN) I only wanted him to know somebody over there. In case he was homesick -!

And you thought this - what was ‘is name? - Elmer…. You thought ‘e’d be just the one? (PAUSE) So that’s what our Malcolm meant about contact.

Yes, yes.

Doris my girl, you’ve had some daft ideas in your time, but this one beats the perishin’ lot. Whatever made yer send him there of all places?

I don’t know anybody else in America. Nobody at all. And I was worried about him.

And how did you manage to explain it to our Malcolm?

oh, I didn’t tell him about - that. What do you take me for? I just said I’d met Elmer during the War. That he’d been a good customer at the shop.

Yeah, you could put it that way.

Sam, please -!

And ‘ow did yer know ‘is address?

I didn’t. I just knew he lived in Punxsutawney.

In where?

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

Sounds like a flippin’ Red Indian tribe! And suppose ‘e connects our Malcolm with you?

Why should he? Elmer doesn’t know my married name. And even if Malcolm did mention my first name, there’s plenty of girls called Doris.

Well, that’s all right, then.

But it isn’t! It isn’t!

What d’yer mean?

It’s all wrong!

What’s wrong?

Oh, Sam, can’t you see? It’s his daughter Malcolm’s got engaged to!

Yeah? Well?

Don’t you see? He’s her father!

Yeah?

He’s Malcolm’s as well!

Yeah, I know that. (DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE) Oh, my Gawd!

You see?

Oh, Gawd!

What are we going to do?

(STANDING UP AND MAKING AS IF TO GO) We got to stop it!

How can we?

How the ‘ell do I know? We got to stop it, that’s all!

I’m nearly off my head.

Quiet! Let me think! (PAUSE) We’ll ‘ave to get ‘im back ‘ere some’ow. So’s we can explain.

Can’t we just write and tell him?

Oh, sure, sure. Just think abaht it. What’s ‘e going to tell the girl? That ‘e can’t marry ‘er after all, ‘cos it seems ‘e’s ‘er ‘alf-brother? Charming! No, we’ll ‘ave to get ‘im back ‘ere, so we can tell ‘im on ‘is own.

How can we do that?

I don’t know! Just let me think a minute! Send ‘im a telegram, I suppose. Trouble is, I don’t know nothin’ abaht sendin’ telegrams that far.

What will you say?

Yeah, that makes yer think, dunnit? Something like "Mother seriously ill. Return at once." Somethin’ like that?

Oh, Sam, you couldn’t say that. He’d never forgive us when he found the truth out.

‘E ain’t going to find it all that easy, anyway.

Oh, Sam!

Sorry, ducks. But we can’t tell ‘im the real reason, can we? We can’t just send ‘im a telegram sayin’ "Dear malcolm, Come hame at once. You’re a bastard, and your father’s another." Can we now?

Oh, Sam!

Let me think. Somethin’ like "Please return immediately. Urgent reason why wedding should be postponed." Somethin’ like that. That should fetch him, and we ‘aven’t really told ‘im anythin’. Nor them.

Oh yes, that’ll do. Then he won’t know, will he? Not till he gets here. And it’ll give us some time to think of something, won’t it?

y’ask me, we’re going to need it. Right, give us a bit of paper and a pencil, and I’ll write down and take it down the post office. They’ll know what we have to do to send it. Now then, what was it?

(DIM LIGHTS, AND BRING THEM UP AGAIN WITH SAM OFF STAGE AND KNOCKING ON OUTSIDE DOOR)

Sam! See who that is, will you?

(OFF) What yer say?

See who that is, will you?

Oh, Gawd!

I’d go myself, but I can’t put this down. My hands are all pastry.

(THE KNOCKING IS REPEATED)

All right, all right, I’m comin’. Keep yer ‘air on!

Sam!

What is it?

Who was it?

(ENTERING) It’s a telegram!

Oh, God! What does it say?

Just a minute! (READS) Oh, my Gawd!

Sam! What is it? What’s wrong?

Listen! It says, "Thanks your cable stop. Sorry urgent reasons why wedding cannot be postponed stop Letter follows stop Malcolm stop." I don’t see why there’s so many stops. By the sound of it, it’s been all go.

What does he mean?

What does he mean? What does he mean? I’d ‘ave thought that was as plain as a pikestaff.

What?

There’s only one reason as I can think of why a wedding can’t be postponed.

What’s that?

Oh, Doris, for Gawd’s sake, be your age. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

I don’t know what you mean.

I reckon Cindy Lou’s in the club.

In the -? (WAILS) Oh no!

Unless you can think of another reason. ‘E’s been stayin’ there, ‘asn’t ‘e? Moonlight on the waters of the Punxwhateveritiss an all that. And she’s been travelling round with ‘em. And our Malcolm’s twenty-one. And ‘e’s got all the usual wedding tackle. (BITTERLY) Perhaps ‘e takes after ‘is Dad.

Oh, Sam! What a horrible thing to say!

Forget it, old ducks. Not your fault.

But it is, it is. I sent him there!

You weren’t to know as Elmer ‘ad a grown-up daughter. Nor that our Malcolm would fancy ‘er.

Whatever are we going to do?

We’ll ‘ave to get ‘im over ‘ere.

He won’t come now!

No, not ‘im, Malcolm! ‘Im, Elmer!

Why, what can he do?

Gawd knows. But ‘e’s got to be told. ‘E’s done plenty already.

Suppose he can’t come?

‘E’ll bloody well ‘ave to! ‘E’s got plenty of the ready, according to our Malcolm. We’ll ‘ave to send ‘im a telegram. ‘Ere we go again!

(FADE OUT LIGHTS AND BRING UP AGAIN AS BEFORE WITH SAM OFF STAGE. SOUND OF DOOR)

That you, Sam?

Yeah?

Keep an eye on things, will you? I’m just going down the shops. I want to get something for tea.

Righto!

(DORIS GOES OFF LEFT AS SAM ENTERS RIGHT. AS HE DOES SO THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR. HE SWEARS TO HIMSELF, PUTS DOWN THE TOOLS HE IS CARRYING AND GOES OUT)

Never any peace in this house.

(SOUND OF KNOCK REPEATED, FOLLOWED BY DOOR OPENING)

Yes?

Mr. Hackett?

Yes?

I’m Elmer Svendsen.

Oh, you’d better come in.

(SAM ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY ELMER)

You asked me to come.

Oh Gawd!

Anything wrong?

No, no. But the wife’s out. She’s only just gone.

Oh.

You’d better come in an’ wait. She’ll not be long. She’s - she’s just gone to do some shoppin’. At the shops. She usually does her - You’d better come in.

Well, thanks! So your Malcolm’s pop!

Yeah. Well, in a manner of speakin’, like.

Mr. Hackett, It’s a real pleasure to meet you. Yeah, a real pleasure.

Yeah, sure. The wife won’t be long.

I said to Gerda - Gerda’s my lady wife, you know - I said not to worry. I said sure the folks over there are worried. Why shouldn’t they be? He’s there only son, I said, And he’s come over here and he’s gotten himself engaged to a girl they’ve never met. Sure they’re worried. Who wouldn’t be? So I’ll just go right on over there, I said, and I’ll set they’re minds at rest. That’s what I’ll do. You’ve got a fine boy there, Mr. Hackett, you know that? A fine boy.

Yeah. Have a seat.

Well, thanks!

(SAM CROSSES HIS LEGS)

Talented, too. But better than that, you know, he’s a real solid citizen. He’s a boy to be proud of, Mr. Hackett. And we’ll be proud to have him as a son-in-law!

Yeah.

Now don’t you worry about a thing, Mr. Hackett. Not a darn thing. You’re just gonna love my Cindy Lou. I just know that. A man shouldn’t say it about his own little girl, I reckon, but we’re right proud of our daughter, Mr. Hackett, sir. Any boy that gets my Cindy Lou is going to get himself a wife in a million, you know that?

Yeah.

First time they met I just knew they were meant for each other. They had so much in common, you know? I just knew they were meant for each other. No time at all we had a pair of love-birds on our hands. Just a pair of young love-birds. I wish you coulda seen ‘em.

Yeah.

And as for your Malcolm, well, do you know what, Mr. Hackett, before I’d known that boy five minutes it sorta felt as if I’d known him all my life. He sorta feels like a son already, you know that?

That’s nice.

(SOUND OF KEY IN BACK DOOR AND DOOR OPENS, OFF)

Thank Gawd!

Sam!

In here!

I forgot my purse. (SEES ELMER) Oh!

Doris, this is Mr. Swensen.

Dawrus! Dawrus! Malcolm didn’t tell me it - Well, would you ever believe that? It’s Dawrus! Dawrus - Jones, was it? Brown?

Smith.

That’s right! Sure, sure! Dawrus Smith. Well, can you tie that? Dawrus, I guess you don’t remember me! You know, Mr. Hackett, I met your lady wife during the War. Did you know that? Aw gee, this is marvellous! Marvellous! Now, Dawrus, don’t say you don’t remember me? Elmer Svendsen. E for Elmer, P for Punxsutawney, Elmer P Svendsen, all the way from the USA?

How are you?

Well, I’ll be -! You English slay me, you know that!

That’s nice.

First time you see somebody in - what? - more ‘m twenty years, and what do you say? I ask you, what do you say (MIMICS DORIS) How do you do? That’s marvellous! You know that? Marvellous! Well now, I’ll just tell you how I am. I’m on cloud nine, that’s where. And you know why? It’s just knowing that Malcolm belongs to you two lovely people. Ain’t that just the most wonderful coincidence?

There’s coincidence and coincidence.

Well ain’t it? Don’t anybody tell me this ain’t a small world. Now tell me, what’s the problem? You want we should have the wedding over here? No problem at all. Just you name the day and hand me the bill. You know, I’m just dying to show Gerda - that’s my lady wife, you know - I’m just dying to show Gerda you’re wonderful country. And we can wave the wedding in one of your cute little old country churches. What do you say? I tell you, Cindy Lou’ll just love that.

You haven’t told him, Sam.

Not my place, Doris.

Told me? Told me what?

About Malcolm.

What about Malcolm?

(TEARFULLY) Oh, Sam, I don’t know how to say it.

All right, Doris, Leave it to me. It’s like this, Mr. Swensen.

I sure do wish you’d call me Elmer.

Yeah. Well, it’s like this. Our Malcolm can’t marry your girl.

What’s that? Can’t marry my Cindy Lou?

That’s right.

Why not? You don’t mean he’s married already?

No.

Because if that’s what he’s done, I’ll -

He’s not married.

Not married? God almighty, what is it then? Has he got some disease or something?

He’s as fit as a fiddle.

Now look here, Mr. Hackett, Your gonna have to do a whole lot better than that. Your boy has asked my Cindy Lou to marry him. He’s got to have a darn good reason to back down from that kinda situation, you know that?

It’s no good, Sam! We shall have to tell him.

Tell me, tell me what?

It’s not really my place, you see that, Mr. Swensen. But Doris is that upset about it, so (TAKES A DEEP BREATH) Malcolm is your son.

Sure, sure. I can’t see why Doris should be - (DOUBLE TAKE) What’s that? What did you say?

Malcolm is your son.

Oh, my Gahd! Dawrus? You?

(SAM AND DORIS BOTH NOD VIOLENTLY)

Oh my Gahd! That’s why you sent the -

(SAM AND DORIS NOD AGAIN)

Just a minute ! Just a minute ! Let me get this straight. Oh, my Gahd! That means Cindy Lou is -

(SAM AND DORIS NOD AGAIN)

What in Gahd’s name is Gerda going to say? She had her heart set on this wedding, you know that?

Makes you think, dunnit?

We had to stop it , you see.

Yeah, yeah, I see that.

And that’s not all.

What?

(GRIMLY) He takes after his old man , it seems.

What are you driving at?

If we’re reading properly between the lines, your Cindy Lou’s pregnant.

What’s that? Oh, my Gahd! That really does it! That really does it!

You see, you had to know.

I’ll break every bone in his goddam body!

You won’t.

Try and stop me!

Oh. I’ll stop you alright. We always did reckon one matelot was a match for any three Yanks. It’s not his fault they can’t get married.

What are you getting at?

Just this. It’s your fault.

My Fault ?

Think about it. He only did what you did. Who are you to start getting toffee-nosed abaht it ?

Y ah, yeah, I guess you're right at that. I - I'm sorry I blew mytp.

Only this time it's different.

Different ?

There's no Sam Hackett this time to bail our Malcolm out.

Oh, Sam !

Now don't you go hitting below the belt, Mr. Hackett. I wasn't to know Dawrus was pregnant when I went back Stateside.

I didn't know myself.

There you are then.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Swensen. I'm not saying you're responsible for all this mess. But you'll lave to bloody well clean it up 'cos you started it.

Yeah, yeah, you're entitled to that.

We'll do what we can.

Gahd Almighty, what in hell am I gonna say to Gerda ? What in hell am I gonna say ?

(FADE LIGHTS, AND BRING UP AGAIN ON SAM AND DORIS IN THE SAME SCENE A FEW DAYS LATER)

Turn it up, old gel. You've been pipin' your eye best part of a week.

I can't help it. It's awful - awful

Cryin' ain't going to put it right, though. So come and eat your tea, eh ?

I don't want it

Come on !

( WEEPS EVEN HARDER)

Now look here, Doris, we don't know nothin' yet. And no news is good news, they say.

How can it be ? How can it 7 You can't alter - that

Next thing you know I'll lave a sick wife on me lands. Buck up. old gel 1.

(KNOCKING AT FRONT DOOR)

Dry yer eyes, ducks. This might be company, yer know. (BITTERLY) Perhaps come to see how our Malcolm's getting on in America.

(MORE KNOCKING)

(GOING) All right, I'm coming.

(GOES OFF,, AND RETURNS ALMOST AT ONCE IN A PANIC) Doris, it's 'im again

Him ?

Yeah, you know 'Im

(ENTER ELMER)

Howdy there, folks

Yer didn't go, then ?

Go ? Go ? Sure I went I'm back again

That's nice.

It sure is great to see you folks again

I'm glad you feel great

Sam, stop it, do !

Sure, why shouldn't I feel great ?

I could think of one reason.

It's all set, folks! All systems go ! Just up to the love-birds to name the day

Weren't you listenin' ? There ain't goin' to be no 'appy day ! There ain't goin' to be no weddin' .1

Correction ! There is going to be a wedding. A very, very splendid wedding. The best, you know that ?

You'd better make this sound good, mate

Sam ! Listen !

Well, folks, I told Gerda. I promise you it took a few stiff jiggers of bourbon before I got around to it. But I told Gerda - my lady wife, you know ?

Oh ! What did she say ?

She said "O.K. ! we go right ahead

What ?

It's all right, folks

All right? ‘ow the 'ell d'yer make that out ? Maybe you think so.

Correction. I know so!

How ?

All right, Dawrus, I was a low-down heel. I didn't tell you I was already married when I was over here. I shoulda told you that.

You weren't the only one, I reckon. Well ?

Well, when I got back Stateside after the War I said to myself, Elmer, your rambling days are over. Now you gotta settle down and be a solid citizen. Raise a family, and all that. So that's what we did. Don't hold that against me, Dawrus, will you ?

Oh, Elmer, do come to the point, please

What difference does all that make ?

Well, folks, it's like this. I realized I shouldn't have I shouldn’t have done what I did. Over here, I mean.

Yaeh. I ought to give you a right clobberin’ for that!

Right! But it seems I wasn't the only guy that needed a clobbering,

What do you mean?

Well, Cindy Lou was born seven months after I got back home. Gerda told me she was preemature.

Yeah ?

Cindy Lou warn't no preemature baby.

What!

She wasn't preemature. She was full-term.

What's that? Say that again!

She was full-term, that's all. She wasn't mine, you see!

Ooooh ! You mean -?

I mean I'm not her father, Dawrus. She ain't mine. And I never would have known it but for this business.

Oh, thank God!

And you know what I cain't get used to it. She still feels like my little Cindy Lou. It ain't a mite different.

Yeah, I know what you mean. only there is a difference.

Sam ! Oh, Sam !

No, I don't mean that, old gel. Malcolm's mine, and he always will be, far as I'm concerned. Only I know who his , real father is. And you don't know who Cindy Lou's is, do you, Elmer?

You're plumb wrong, Sam

You do know ?

Yeah, because Gerda told me. When I told her about Malcolm, she said I ought to know the whole story - all of it. Then we could put it all on one side and forget about it. Just forget it, and think about Malcolm and Cindy, she said.

We're goin' to like your Gerda, I reckon.

You sure are, Sam. You sure are ! She's the greatest

And I reckon that's the best thing to come out o' this whole mess. We don't have to tell Malcolm.

And we don't have to tell Cindy Lou.

I -I'll make some tea.

I reckon Dawrus is kinda upset, Sam. Don't you wanna go to her ?

No, let 'er lave it out. Do 'er a power o' good, it will. (PAUSE) Cigarette ?

Gee, thanks You know what ? It's more than twenny years since I last smoked an English cigarette ? They took some getting used to.

Yeah. English things do as a rule.

You can say that again.

Elmer...

Yeah ?

Come on, come clean! Do you really know who Cindy Louis father was ? Or did you say that to make Doris feel good ?

No, no. I know who he was all right. I don't know him, y'unnerstand. I only know of him, you might say. (PAUSE) You know, that's sorta screwy.

What is ?

It's only just dawned on me. Another coincidence.

Coincidence ?

He was a limey. An English gob. A sailor, you know ?

What ? (LAUGHS) Don't look at me, Elmer I was never in the States in me life !

(HE BEGINS TO LAUGH AS THE IRONY OF THE SITUATION DAWNS ON HIM. IT IS SOME TIME BEFORE HE CAN CONTROL HIS MIRTH)

Sorry about that, Elmer. Now, what abaht this weddin' ?

(HE BEGINS TO LAUGH AGAIN)

Can you beat that ? A matelot! An English matelot!

(IT IS A LITTLE WHILE BEFORE HE CAN SPEAK) There's only one thing botherin' me now, Elmer.

And what's that, Sam ?

Whether I'll manage to keep me face straight in church. When we see our own two kids gettin' married. our own two kids !

(HE GOES OFF AGAIN INTO PAROXYSMS OF LAUGHTER, IN WHICH ELMER JOINS. DORIS, RETURNING WITH TEAPOT IN HAND, STANDS OPEN-MOUTHED IN AMAZEMENT AS THE CURTAIN CLOSES. THE SPOTLIGHT AGAIN PICKS OUT THE ORNITHOLOGIST)

There is a strange phenomenon about the cuckoo family. Despite the undoubted fact that the bird is, ah, parasitic on other birds, it has throughout human history been regarded as a fit subject for humour. one is quite, ah, at a loss to explain this phenomenon. But then, as an ornithologist, I find much of human behaviour inexplicable. Quite inexplicable. Hrrmm! Good night, ladies and gentlemen! Good night!

(THE SPOTLIGHT CUTS OUT)

THE END