From "The Guardian" (8 November 1969)

Two programmes from the regions this week provide excellent examples of why it would be a real shame to cut back, as is proposed in "Broadcasting in the Seventies", on regional output...........

The second was the Wednesday afternoon play from the Midland Region, W. G. Stanton's MILGRIP'S PROGRESS. This was a bitterly funny look at what separates the men on the shop-floor from the boys in lower executive ranks. It had sympathy, insight, and a sound, round construction. A first play from Mr. Stanton went out some weeks ago on Radio 4 (THE COMPOST HEAP, starring Wilfred Pickles), when the author's gift for constructing interior dialogue for the protagonist was used as in this week's play to heighten the contrast with the action of the other characters. Anthony Cornish, whose work I have learned to look out for, produced both plays.

Gillian Reynolds.

From "The Observer" (9th November 1969)

How many radio plays have there been about someone or other's progress? In MILGRIP'S PROGRESS (Afternoon Theatre, Radio 4) W, G. Stanton made an honest comic figure out of our old friend the henpecked middle-class salary-slave. This one fights back at his nasty surroundings (wife, bank manager and boss) after being pushed into action by a breezy working-class technician, a blue-collar man who laughs himself sick at the chuffing bourgeois because they sell themselves instead of their chuffing labour. The plot revolved around a load of steel ingots, and the technical details were handled with a rare authority.

Paul Ferris.

From "The Listener' (13 November 1969)

A play which gave me a good deal of pleasure was W. G. Stanton's MILGRIP'S PROGRESS on Wednesday afternoon. It was essentially a radio play, using established radio techniques of sound montage to create and analyse states of mind. It was an artless piece, in which a young steel salesman finds himself, and in a somewhat despairing gesture of pride and libertarianism tells his sales manager to get stuffed. The best thing about it was a brilliant characterisation of the British working man as an indispensable technician: Barney Collins was vibrantly alive and stuck in the mind like a burr.

Bernard Davies.

(MILGRIP I IS THE MILGRIP KNOWN TO HIS FAMILY. HIS FRIENDS, AND TO THE WORLD - WHET HE IS BEING HIMSELF. MILGRIP II IS THE SUPER-SALESMAN WHICH MILGRIP I SOMETIMES SEEKS TO PERSUADE HIMSELF THAT HE IS)

(WE OPEN WITH THE NOISE UF A CAR ENGINE GRADUALLY MIXING WITH OFFICE NOISE WHICH IN TURN MIX TO NOISE OF STEELWORKS. THROUGH THE LAST SOUNDS THE RISING SCREAM OF THE HOT SAW CUTTING THROUGH METAL BEGINS TO ASSERT ITSELF, DROWNING ALL OTHER SOUNDS AS IT RISES TO A CRESCENDO, AND ENDING ABRUPTLY AT PEAK WITH THE SLAM OF A DOOR)

Milgrip!

That's me! Milgrip!

Arnold Milgrip. Forty-two. Midlands Area Representative, Universal Steels.

Midlands Area Representative? Representative? I am Universal Steel. In the Midlands.

(INWARDLY) I should like to think so, I should.

Reasonably good background. I suppose.

Actually, Father was in steel too.

(INWARDLY) In a way. Actually, me Dad was a furnaceman.

Reasonable education.

Not one of the better-known public schools old boy. But a good school, good school.

(INWARDLY) Filbert Street Elementary.

Joined the company straight from school.

Straight from Varsity, actually. Graduate trainee. Management, you know.

(INWARDLY) Office boy, actually.

Interviewed for the road ten years ago.

Interview, yes. Remenber that, hmmmmm. The directors were impressed, if I do say it myself. With my record, you know.

(INWARDLY) I lied.

It' s a responsible job, I supose. In a way. looking after the company' s interests. It' s not eyerybody could - I mean, some chaps wouldn't take on the responsibility. Meeting people. Making decisions. Well, in a way making decisions.

The M.D. hirnself wculdn't move without me. Not in my a.area. I'm the sharp end, after all. Where the action is. So I've got a hot line, sort of, straight through to top brass.

(INWARDLY) Dogsbody, that' s me. Dogsbody to a Sales Manager. Carew. "Mad" Carew...

Milgrip!

Sir?

Your figures. Your Sales figures. For October.

Yes, sir. It' s - er - a quiet month, sir.

These are quiet figures, Milgrip.

Yes, sir.

Very guiet.

Yes,sir.

Much guieter, they'd be dead.

Yes, sir. I -

Milgrip!

Sir?

Refresher course indicated, I think. Mustn't lose our grip, must we? We're the sharp end, Milgrip. Lose our grip, lose our customers. Lose our customers, lose our jobs. Eh?

Yes, sir!

Right then, We'll lay it on. That's all, Milgrip!

Talking to the Sales Manager the other day. Bill Carew. Good type, Bill. Knows his men. Milgrip, he says, what say to a course? All exes paid, of course. One of these staff training things. Company's very keen on them. Sort the men from the boys, you know. The coming men. The potential.

(INWARDLY) Trouble is, I can't really afford these courses. You can't claim anything. You've got to spend, but you can't get it back.

Great life on a course, great life. Hard graft all day, mind you. But the nights

Not much blood in the old alcohol-stream at the end of a week, I can tell you. (LAUGHS) And when it comes to claiming expenses, ha

You!ve got to do some composing then on the old hymn-sheet, what?

(INWARDLY) The wife won't like it.

Course? Course? Another? I know! I know. Just an excuse for getting drunk. And telling your filthy stories. Men! How would you manage if I kept clearing off on courses, eh? That's what I'd like to know.....

(INWARDLY) I wish she would. Gawd, I wish she would.

If you ask me we'd all be better off if you lot were to settle down to a job of work instead of gallivanting about the country like a pack of laughing hyenas. I'm sick and tired of sitting here at home looking after your kids while you clear off with your boozy pals without so much as a by-your-leave. I know you'll say you've no choice. I don't believe you. I reckon the whole thing's a put-up job between you reps and the management whenever the directors start to run out of dirty stories they lay on another course. Disgusting, that's what it is, disgusting....

What can I do about it? Wht can I do about it?

It's a break f or the wife. It's a break for the.........

(INWARDLY) Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up....

What can I do about it? What can I do about it?

Wife. It's a break f or the wife. It's a break for the.........

(INWARDLY) Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up....

(THE COMBINED SOUND RISES IN PACE AND PITCH UNTIL IT IS AN INCOHERENT SCREAM, WHICH ENDS WITH THE SLAM OF A DOOR. FADE IN OFFICE SOUNDS MUTED NOISE OF TRAFFIC OUTSIDE, TYPEWRITER IN NEXT' OFFIC. THERE IS A TAP ON THE DOOR)

Come in!

(DOOR 0PENS)

Oh, you're in, Mr. Milgrip

In, Josie?

Yes. I thought you hadn't come yet.

Thought I hadn't ? Why?

It's only twenty past nine.

So? (UNEASILY) Why, has someone been asking for me?

Yes. Mr. Carew was. On the 'phone.

What time was that?

Just after nine.

Oh Gawd! What did you say?

I said I thought you would be in later.

Good g-

He said didn't I know whether you would.

Oh, all right, all right.

I'm sorry, Mr. Milgrip. I wasn't to know -

Never mind, Josie. Never mind.

Righto.

But -

Yes, Mr. Milgrip?

Next time - I mean, if I'm ever late again when he rings - like that - tell him I'm having trouble with the car, eh? Or something like that.

I did. I mean, I did last time. He didn't seem to believe me. So I thought-

Oh, all right. Get him for me, will you?

Yes, Mr. Milgrip.

( SOUND OF HER HIGH HEELS ON THE FLOOP. THEN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(INWARDLY) A right start to the day. First Muriel......

(RAPID BURST OF MURIEL' S LAST SPEECH AT HYSTERIA LEVEL)

Then the letter from the bank. . . . . .

Dear Mr. Milgrip, My attention has been drawn to your account which has again been over-drawn beyond the agreed limit.

( THE WOPDS BEGIN TO SPEED UP UNIL THE RESULT IS MEANINGLESS GABBLE )

At the close of business today, cheques already presented left a sum outstanding to the bank of £63 5s. 4d. You will recall that we had occasion at the end of October to remind you of your continuing indebtedness to the bank.

( THE GABBLE COMES TO SUDDEN HALT, AND SPEECH RESUMES AT THE NORMAL LEVEL)

We must request an immediate credit to the account.

(INWARDLY) Where the Hell does he suppose I going to get it?

(SPEAKING RATHER MORE QUICKLY THAN USUAL) As a matter of fact, Mr. Stanley, it's my company again. They're late. With repayment of my expenses, you know. At this present moment in time, you'll hardly credit it but they're in to me for nearly six weeks' arrears. I'll get on to them right away. Right away, I assure you.

( INWARDLY ) I wonder if the firm would stand for a sub again?

( BUZZ OF TELEPHONE )

Milgrip here!

That you, Milgrip? Morning

If I'm not too late, that is!

Oh, ah, yes, sir, Morning! As a matter of fact, I've been having trouble with-

Spare me the details, Milgrip. I'm much too busy to hear about that transparent excuse you drivee about in. Skip it. Now then - Matheson's Forgings.....

Yes, sir?

When did you last see Rogers?

Rogers? Oh, Ted Rogers. A couple of weeks ago, Perhaps three.

Really?

Just a minute. I'11 check with my diary.

Don' t bother, Milgrip. You know, then, about the trouble they're having?

Trouble?

Yes, I rather thought that would be the case. Look, Milgrip! You' d better get off to Matheson's right now. You know the way, of course? Make our apologies - and your own- And Milgrip

Sir?

Make yourself known to them, eh? I mean, if they should find your face unfamiliar?

Yes, sir.

That' s all, Milgrip! See to it!

( THE TELEPHONE IS REPLACED )

Oh, Lord

Matheson's!

Good old Bill Carew! Knows who to rely on. Arnold Milgrip, Number One trouble-shooter for Universal Steels

(INWARDLY) William Henry Carew. Sees all. Knows all. Oh, God!

(FADE IN SOUND OF CAR ENGINE VOICES OVER),

What d'you mean, overdrawn? I haaven't had anything new in months, the kids all want new things. What do you do with it all, eh? Boozing with your so-called colleagues, I expect....

(CROSS FADE TO...

I'm sorry Mr. Milgrip, if - I should say, since your company is so much in arrears I suggest you approach then and put the position. I'm afraid you must not expect the bank to carry both ycu and your company at least not indefinitely......

(CROSS FADE TO. . . .

That you, Milgrip? Carew here! Carew! Lose our grip lose our customers, lose our customers lose our jobs, eh Milgrip, eh?......

(NOISE OF CAR ENGINE NOW MORE EVIDENT. MILGRIP' S VICE OVER)

Pretoria Road, Johannesburg Road, scrap batteries wanted, best prices given. Elim Gospel Hall. Question; Which Chapel' s never there? Elim, 'cos it's a mile back. Come and join us. Pleasant Sunday afternoon. I can inagine. Launderama. Question; What' s the differcnce between a Launderama and a Washerteria? Never mind, never mind, it'll all come out in the wash, Christ! Sixty-three quid

Sixty-three quid in the red

(CAR SLOWS DOWN, SLAM OF DOOR, SOUND OF DROP HAMMERS DISTANTLY OVER STREET NOISE)

Yes, sir`?

I' d like to see Mr. Rogers, please.

Is he expecting you, sir?

He is indeed.

And the name, sir?

(TRYING WITHOUT ANY SUCCESS TO DO A MILGRIP II) Now come, my little chickadee. Let's not be forgetful eh? Universal Steel. Who' s the big wheel from Universal Steel?

(COLDLY)I' m sorry, sir.

(DEFLATED) Ah, Milgrlp. M.I.L.G.R.I.P. Milgrip.

( INWARDLY ) Fair enough. I don' t remember seeing her before, either. (PAUSE) They've altered the reception-room, too - I think. Better not mention it. Might have been a long time since.

(SOUND OF TELEPHONE BEING REPLACED )

Mr. Rngers says would you mind waiting? He shouldn' t keep you too long..

Oh. Oh, right.

Oh, what am I to do? The mortgage is O.K., thank God

Banker's Order. Rates? Think of something else, think of something else, think of something else..... Then there's the insurance.. and the gas bill, and - Think of something else, think of something else, think of something else... ..

(BUZZ OF TELEPHONE, AND SOUND OF OT BEING LIFTED FROM THE CRADLE)

Reception - oh, yes, sir. (PAUSE) Mr. Rogers will sse you now, Mr. - er - Milgrip.

( TELEPHONE! REPLACED )

You know the way, 'of course?

Ah, well, - er - upstairs?

(COLDLY) Straight through the forge, sir. You'll see the office at the far end.

Of course, of course. Well, thanks. Be good now...o

(A SUDDEN ENORMOUS NOISE OF DROP-HAMMERS WHICH CONTINUES UNTIL REDUCED BY THE SLAM OF A DOOR. THEY CONTINUE TO POUND AWAY IN THE BACKGROUND )

Mr. Rogers?

Milgrip. Universal Steel.

Universal St- ? Oh yes, oh yes. Just the man I've been looking for.

Oh good.

It's not good. It's bloody awful.

I'm sorry, I -

What sort of a scrap-yard are they running up in Sheffield? At your place, anyway...

I' m sorry, I -

I ordered twenty iive tons of` billet. All the same steel. All the same size. No trouble at all.

Just the sort of order we want, Mr. R-.

(IGNORING HIM) And what do they send me ! eh? What do they send me? A flipping lucky bag, that' s what! Take your pick

Any size you like, any shape you like, any kind of steel you like!

D'you mean they've sent the wrong steel?

No, I don't Mean they've sent the wrong steel, I mean they've sent the right steel and the wrong steel all in the same load.

You mean they've sent a mix?

A mix. Exactly. I order twenty-five tons of alloy steel in three-inch square billets.

As I said, just the sort of-

And what do you bright herbs send me, eh? Some alloy steel, and some carbon steel.

But surely the size of the billets will help?

Look, I wasn't born yesterday. If the two different lots had been in different size billets I could have sorted it out myself. Oh no, They've made a right job of this one. Two different kinds of steel, and all in the same size billets. No means of telling 'tother from which.

Oh, no!

Oh yes! What do you propose to do about it?

(TRYING TO DO A MILGIP II AGAIN) Look, Mr. Rogers, leave this to me. I'll get back to my office right away, and get things moving. Cack-handed lot of incompetents back at base as usual. But you know the score, I'm sure...

(COLDLY) Let me know what you propose to do. And quick, or this lot goes back.

(DEFLATED) Oh. Oh, right. Well - er - good day! - I'll be in touch -

(GOING AWAY) Do that!

(SUDDEN SOUND OF DROP HAMMERS AGAIN, MIXING TO SOUND OF CAR ENGINE. ENDING WITH SLAM OF DOOR)

Josie, my sweet! Action stations! All hands to the pumps! Man overboard!

(RESIGNED) Yes, Mr. Milgrip ?

Get me Mr Carew, will you?

Yes, Mr. Milgrip.

(MILGRIP BEGINS TO HUM TO HIMSELF

(INWARDLY) Well, here's one he can't blame me for. Now, if I handle this one right I could do myself a spot of good with Mad Carew. And Rogers,

( SOUND OF TELEPHONE )

( BEGINS TO HUM AGAIN )

Carew here!

Milgrip, sir! Matheson's Forgings. Bad show, sir! We've sent them a mix.

It happens. What have you done about it ?

What have I - ? I - I don't follow -

Look, Milgrip. You're the man on the spot. The sharp end, remember ? Now, what have you done about it ?

I - well, I've come back to the office, to report it.

You've done what ? Milgrip, I knew about the mix. I sent you, Now, what have you done about it ?

I - I don't quite see what I -

Milgrip. Just be quiet for a moment, and I'll tell you. You could have suggested to Rogers that he might like to sort out the material and charge us with the cost of the Iabour -

But it' s our responsibility - I mean -

Our responsibility? (COLDLY) I interrupted you, Milgrip. You were about to advise me on thc subject of responsibility.

I - I'm sorry, sir.

Has Rogers got the necessary facilities for sorting the material?

The necessary facilities?

Yes, man. Spark-testing?

Spark testing?

You do remember, don't you, Milgrip, that we have a small but quite expensive department up at the works here for sorting steel by spark-testing? The idea being that if we run a grinding-wheel over the surface of the steel it will give off a shower of sparks? And that the kind of spark will tell use roughly the kind of steel ?

Yes, sir. I knew that, sir.

Oh godd, good. Well, has Rogers got the facilities for spark-testing at Matheson's?

I'm not absolutely sure.

Milgrip, that what I sent you for. Now look, find out if Rogers can sort the steel by spark-testing and charge us with the labour cost. It'll be cheaper than having all twenty five tons of billets back here. Has he used any of the steel?

I - I'm not sure.

There's a certain lack of surety about you today, Milgrip. There's a rapid remedy for that, you know!

Sir?

Get that finger out, man. Sharp now!

Yes, sir!

(THE TELEPHONE IS REPLACED)

(INWARDLY) Oh, Gawd!

(DROP-HAMMER, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THE RHYTHM OF A HEART-BEAT)

Rogers won't like it.

(DROP-HAMMER, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP)

Anyway, he'll be at lunch.

(DROP-HAMMER, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP)

Besides its twenty miles away.

(DROP-HAMMER, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP)

I'll ring him up, that's the drill.

(FADE IN VOICE OF ROGERS)

What's that you say? You wonder if I could what? Sort ot out here? Sort it out here ? Now look here, Mr. - what's your name? Oh yes, Well, look here, you can tell your Mr. - what's his name? Oh, yes. Well you can tell him that you've mixed the stuff, you bloody well sort it out. And quick, before I sent the whole lot back!

(DROP-HAMMER, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP)

I'm sorry, Mr. Carew. He won't co-operate.

What's that, Milgrip?

Rogers, sir. Matheson's Forgings.

Oh that. He won't sort it out, eh?

No, sir. I'm afraid we'll have to get a spark-examiner down from the works.

It's not quite as easy as you think, Milgrip. Spark-examiners don't grow on trees, you know. They're short-handed anyway. However, I have already asked Broomfield to have one standing by for tomorrow.

Oh, good.

It's not good. It's far from good. I had hoped that you might have made his journey unnecessary. By the way, is the material still in long lengths as delivered?

I - I'm not sure.

Then find out, man, find out. You realise, don't you, that if they have cut it into small pieces to forge it, we'll have to check every piece? And in that case the job could take several days?

I hadn't thought of it, sir.

I'd gathered that, Milgrip. So give it some thought now, eh ? And, Milgrip -

Sir?

Next time you visit a customer try flapping your ears instead of your mouth. You might learn something.

You'll have the spark-examiner down there by the first train tomorrow. I'll let Broomfield know that you'll meet this man at New Street. Got that?

Yes, sir.

Good, that's all. Oh, by the way -

Sir?

It'll probably be Collins they send. Collins.

Collins. Yes, sir.

(TELEPHONE REPLACED. DROP-HAMMER, THUMP, PAUSE, THUMP, PAUSE, THUMP, PAUSE, THUMP. FADE IN SOUNDS OF STATION PLATFORM)

(INWARDLY) First time I saw this geezer Milgrip he was standing on the platform at New Street looking for me. Collins, I say to meself, he'll never find you. He doesn't know you. I knew him alright. Spotted him first crack out o' the box. As old Jack Broomfield said, keep your eyes open for a bloke wanderin' up and down the chuffin' platform, lookin' at everybody who gets off. Every so often he'll walk up to somebody and say something. They'd shake their chuffin' 'eads and he'd carry on again. I thought I better put him out of his misery.

(EXTERIOR VOICE) Mr.Milgrip?

Oh, ah, yes?

BARNEY

Collins. Universal Steel.

MILGRIP I

Univ - ? But you’re not - you’re not ?

BARNEY

Spark-examiner? That’s right!

MILGRIP

But -

BARNEY

Yes? You were sayin’-

MILGRIP I

No. No, it’s nothing.

BARNEY

You were going to say that you expected to see a burke in chuffin’ overalls, wi’ mucky finger-nails?

MILGRIP I

Oh. No. I mean -

BARNEY

All right, mate, all right. No offence.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry.

BARNEY

Granted. Come on. Give us a hand with this grinder. Where’s your car? Oh, good. They’re bloody heavy to carry far. I’d like to meet the geezer who sold this as a portable grinder. He’d be alright on the chuffin’ Olympics, he would. Weight lifting. Here. Cop hold of yon end. That’s it.

(SOUNDS OF EXERTION)

Right. Lead on MacDuff.

(FADE IN SOUND OF CAR ENGINE, VOICES OVER)

Nice Car

MILGRIP I

Mmmm.

BARNEY

Firm provide it?

MILGRIP I

Yeah.

BARNEY

Thought so. (PAUSE) Where’s the catch?

MILGRIP I

Catch?

BARNEY

Yeah, there’s got to be a catch in it.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry, I -

BARNEY

Sounds to sense. Somebody comes up to you and says, Here y’are, mate, a nice car worth - oh, eight or nine hundred quid. All yours. No, don’t bother to thank me. Think nothing of it. What do you say?

MILGRIP I

(LAUGHS)

BARNEY

Got to be a catch in it.

MILGRIP I

I don’t see -

BARNEY

You think it’s any different if it’s a firm?

MILGRIP I

I can’t really say I’ve given it much thought.

BARNEY

You should give it some thought, mate. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.

MILGRIP I

The price of - ?

BARNEY

Now look here mate. Let’s start again, shall we?

MILGRIP I

Start ag - ?

BARNEY

You keep looking at me as if I was under-privileged or something.

MILGRIP I

I wasn’t aware that I -

BARNEY

Now don’t start again getting’ all toffee nosed, or you’n me ‘ll fall out.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry.

BARNEY

Granted. As I was sayin’. You can’t understand why a bloke like me trots out the odd quotation. Sort of out o’ place, innit?

MILGRIP I

No,no. But - er- surprising, perhaps.

BARNEY

Now that’s very interesting. It surprises you. Very interesting.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry, I -

BARNEY

You do a lot of apologising, don’t you, mate?

MILGRIP I

I don’t quite follow -

BARNEY

Now me, I’d say that if a bloke’s always apologizing when it’s not called for, happen you’d better not take much notice when it is called for. Might just be a habit.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry. (LAUGHS) I mean - there I go again.

BARNEY

(ALSO LAUGHING) That’s better. Sounds nearly human.

MILGRIP I

Do you mind if I say something?

BARNEY

Free country, mate.

MILGRIP I

You’re not like - er - well, you’re - er -different.

BARNEY

Different?

MILGRIP

Yes.

BARNEY

Different from what?

MILGRIP

Oh, you know.

BARNEY

Different from the other members of the proletariat? That it?

MILGRIP I

Well, in a way - I mean, you put it that way.

BARNEY

There could be two reasons for that.

MILGRIP I

I’m not with you.

BARNEY

Why you think I’m different from the usual run of the mill.

MILGRIP I

Go on.

BARNEY

Either I am different.

MILGRIP I

Yes?

BARNEY

Or you’re cock-eyed.

MILGRIP I

Cock-eyed?

BARNEY

Yeah, take that mote out of your eye, mate.

MILGRIP I

You know, I rather like you.

BARNEY

I’ll take that remark at face value. Otherwise I mught just think that you were being a condescending bastard - and then I’d have to put you one on, wouldn’t I?

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean -

BARNEY

Your trouble, mate, is the trouble with your class. You can’t get it out of your chuffin’ ‘eads that somehow you are better than us; God knows why, but you do think that.

MILGRIP I

I’m sure I -

BARNEY

Save your breath, mate. You’re not on your own.

(UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE)

How much further is this place?

MILGRIP I

(STILL RATHER DISGRUNTLED) About a mile, I should say.

BARNEY

So this is the Black Country, eh? Proper dog’s breakfast, innit?

MILGRIP I

I get on with the people here well enough.

BARNEY

There you go again. Who said owt about the people? No, the place! Look at it! Just look at it! It’s a compliment to call it a dog’s breakfast! No mate, what rots my socks is the way the folk who made this stinkin’ mess cleared out of it and left it to other poor bastards to live in it. Then, just as I said, they start feelin’ superior. You’re one of ‘em.

MILGRIP I

Me?

BARNEY

You. I don’t mean you’re helping to make it a mess. But I’ll lay six-to-four you ain’t doin’ anything to clear it up, eh? You wouldn’t live ‘ere if you was paid, would you now?

MILGRIP I

I should say not!

BARNEY

No. But you earn your money here every day and then drive away from it every night. See what I mean? You’re one of ‘em!

MILGRIP I

You’re entitled to your opinion.

BARNEY

Is that all! Gawd ‘elp us!

MILGRIP I

This is it. Matheson’s

(SOUND OF CAR SLOWING)

BARNEY

Ay, ay, no red carpet? What’s things coming to?

MILGRIP I

Look, Mr. - er -

BARNEY

Barney!

MILGRIP I

Just as you say. We’re in trouble here. Rogers - the Works Manager - he’s steamed up about it. Just take it easy, eh?

BARNEY

No wise cracks, you mean? Flannel?

MILGRIP I

Well -

BARNEY

Speak when I’m spoken to? that’s it?

MILGRIP I

Weeell -

(SOUND OF DROP-HAMMERS HEARD AS CAR DOOR IS OPENED. SLAM OF DOORS AND VOICES OVER)

BARNEY

Trust me, mate. Your show. Lead on, MacDuff.

(DROP HAMMERS RISE TO PEAK, AND FADE. FADE IN VOICE OF MILGRIP AND BARNEY)

See what I mean, mate. There’s you frettin’ your fat, whether I’ll remember to tug me chuffin’ forelock in the right places. And what happens? Rogers never even looks at me.

MILGRIP I

Oh, come on -

BARNEY

Us blokes, we’re anonymous. Nobody sees us. Not that sort, any road. The boss class. Let’s say I was to bump into your bloke Rogers five minutes from now. D’you think he’d remember me? Bloody likely, mate.

MILGRIP I

Oh, come of it!

BARNEY

Like to bet?

MILGRIP I

You go on a bit, don’t you?

BARNEY

I keep my eyes open, mate.?

(SOUND OF DROP-HAMMERS RISES TO A PEAK, AND IS SUDDENLY CUT DOWN BY THE SLAM OF A DOOR. FADE IN CONVERSATION BETWEEN MILGRIP AND BARNEY)

MILGRIP I

You know, I find that business quite fascinating. I’ve often wondered how it’s done.

BARNEY

You mean spark-examining. Nothing to it. When you know how.

MILGRIP I

Well, how?

BARNEY

How’s it done?

MILGRIP I

Yes!

BARNEY

Simple. You put a grinding wheel on the steel - like this -

(SOUND OF PORTABLE GRINDER ON STEEL)

- and you get lots of sparks, see ? Lovely, innit? Like Bonfire Night.

MILGRIP I

But how can you tell - ?

BARNEY

Well now, you shouldn’t really ask me that, it’s a trade secret. When you join, you ‘ave to swear. An oath, you know. Not to give away. Special ceremony, an‘ all that. Signed in blood.

MILGRIP I

You’re pulling my leg.

BARNEY

(LAUGHS) You reckon?

MILGRIP I

No, but seriously, I do think it’s fascinating.

BARNEY

Course you do, mate. You wouldn’t find it so chuffin’ fascinatin’ if you had to do it all day, I can tell yer.

MILGRIP I

How is it done, though?

BARNEY

All right, pal. You won’t be any the wiser, though. Look!

(SOUND OF GRINDER ON STEEL)

What do you see?

MILGRIP I

Sparks!

BARNEY

That’s right. Sparks. And all different.

MILGRIP I

Different?

BARNEY

Yeah. Well, not all different. But every different ingredient gives you a different spark. One sort of spark, that’s manganese. That one …

(SOUND OF GRINDER AGAIN)

See? That one? That’s nickel.

MILGRIP I

It’s no use. They all look exactly alike to me.

BARNEY

Well, I warned you. A good job, too.

MILGRIP I

What do you mean?

BARNEY

Think about it, mate. Just think. If you got your cards today - how soon could they fill your shoes?

MILGRIP I

They wouldn’t find it all that easy, old boy. I’ve got some good contacts.

BARNEY

How long?

MILGRIP I

I might just go to a competitor, you see.

BARNEY

How long?

MILGRIP I

Weeell -

BARNEY

That’s better. How long?

MILGRIP I

All right. We’re all expendable.

BARNEY

Speak for yourself, mate.

MILGRIP I

What do you mean?

BARNEY

Not me, I’m not.

MILGRIP I

Oh, come of it!

BARNEY

Fact. Prove it any time you like. Let’s say your pal Rogers was to complain to your bosses. Might just be your cards, eh?

MILGRIP I

Well, yes, I suppose it might.

BARNEY

Not me, mate.

MILGRIP I

I don’t believe it!

BARNEY

Try it then! Just try it some time. See where it gets you.

(SOUND OF GRINDER BRIEFLY)

Now look, if I’ve got to make my time on this job, you’ll have to stop gabbin’ and let me get on. Tell you what. You go and chat up that bint in the office. Come back lunch-time.

MILGRIP I

(GOING) Righto!

BARNEY

An’ mate!?

MILGRIP

(DISTANT) Yes?

BARNEY

None o’ yer chuffin’ transport caffs! Let’s have some decent scoff, eh?

(NOISE OF GRINDER BEGINS AND FADES OUT. FADE IN RESTAURANT SOUNDS, MUZAK, ETC)

(One thing about your job, I’ll say that. ‘Ere what do I call you, mate?

MILGRIP I

Er - well - Arnold.

BARNEY

Right Arnold. One thing about your job. You find the right scoff. Eh?

MILGRIP I

We try.

BARNEY

Not bad. Not bad at all. I could have done with a bit more garlic in the Bordelaise sauce myself, but you can’t please everybody.

MILGRIP I

You know you really are an astonishing chap.

BARNEY

Ay, ay. There you go again. Condescending.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry.

BARNEY

All right. Can’t expect you to catch on all at once. You need practice.

MILGRIP I

(EMBARRASSED, TRIES ON HIS MILGRIP II VOICE) Oh before I forget, old boy -

BARNEY

Just a minute. What d’you want to go puttin’ on that thirty-bob accent for?

MILGRIP I

Thirty - ?

BARNEY

Yeah. All upstage. Posh like.

MILGRIP I

I don’t understand -

BARNEY

You don’t know when you’re doing it do yer? You talk to Rogers back there, you’ve got a mouthful o’ plums. Why? Be yourself, Arnold, be yourself.

MILGRIP I

Well, I was saying -

BARNEY

That’s better!

MILGRIP I

Eh? Oh yes! I was going to say that I’d fixed you up with accommodation. For tonight.

BARNEY

Have you now? Here? This hotel?

MILGRIP I

(EMBARRASSED) Well, no. Actually, its - er -digs. In Tipton.

BARNEY

Tipton? A whole night in the fleshpots os Tipton ? What would my dear old mother say?

MILGRIP I

Look I’m sorry. I’ll cancell them, and book you in here.

BARNEY

You needn’t have bothered, Arnold.

MILGRIP I

Why? You won’t be through at Matherson’s today, will you?

BARNEY

No, mate. Nor tomorrow either.

MILGRIP I

Then you’ll want somewhere to stay for the -

BARNEY

No thanks, Arnold.

MILGRIP I

What?

BARNEY

Not me, mate.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry, I -

BARNEY

Not me, Arnold. I’ve got a very nice bed at home, thank you. And a nice wife in it.

MILGRIP I

But you can’t - !

BARNEY

Go on, Arnold. You were going to say - ?

MILGRIP I

Won’t you - ?

BARNEY

Get into trouble? What for? ‘Cos I’d rather sleep in my own bed? Do you know what the firm allows me for board and lodging for the night, mate?

MILGRIP I

No.

BARNEY

Fifteen bob.

MILGRIP I

Fifteen - ?

BARNEY

Yeah. So I’m going home tonight, boy. Makes a long day with the travelling and all. But then, you haven’t seen my wife.

MILGRIP I

But suppose the firm - ?

BARNEY

Are you frightened you might cop it, Arnold? Don’e fret yourself. Refer ‘em to me!

MILGRIP I

And what will you do?

BARNEY

Do ? Tell ‘em to get stuffed!

MILGRIP I

Tell ‘em to - ? They’ll - !

BARNEY

Give me me cards ? Is that it? Not on your Nelly!

MILGRIP I

I don’t believe it!

BARNEY

Try Arnold, try! Force yourself, boy!

MILGRIP I

But they’ll never stand for that! (PAUSE) (THEN HESITANTLY) Will they?

BARNEY

They’d have no choice, mate. Long as I do my job.

MILGRIP I

I don’t belive it

BARNEY

You not believin’ it doesn’t ‘ave owt to do with it, Arnold. I sell my labour. I don’t sell anythin’ else. Just my labour.

MILGRIP I

So do I.

BARNEY

You don’t mate. You’re running in blinkers. If you were in my shoes, you’d have to stay put, right?

MILGRIP I

Well -

BARNEY

Remember what I said about the car? There’s got to be a catch in it.

MILGRIP I

I’m not sure I -

BARNEY

Pinyour ears back, mate, while I tell you the facts of life. You’re exploited, Arnold, you know.

MILGRIP I

Oh, nonsense!

BARNEY

Belt up, mate, do - listen. What’s the attraction about your sort of job? The pay? I doubt it. I wouldn’t mind betting your take-home’s not as good as mine. No, it’s what you blokes call the fringe benefits. Perks. Car. Expense account you can fiddle yourself another quid or two out of. Sure, smashing. But where’s the catch.

MILGRIP I

There you go again! There’s no catch, as you call it!

BARNEY

Isn’t there ? Sure?

MILGRIP I

Of course not.

BARNEY

Then why can I please myself, an’ you can’t, eh? Look Arnold, I’ve kept me eyes open and I’ve seen it happen. Good blokes - I nearly said good bosses - working every chufin’ hour the Lord sends - flyin’ off to foreign parts, week-ends, usually while I’m ‘aving a bit of quiet fishing - back Monday night or first thing Tuesday - straight back to work again. And for what? Money they can’t enjoy, pensions they don’t live long enough to draw, and fringe benefits, mate. I wouldn’t call them benefits, Arnold. I’d call them chains.

MILGRIP I

Every job has its drawbacks.

BARNEY

Of course. Mine has. Bosses - condescending lot.. Piece work - a lousy wrotten system, But I don’t kid myself. Chains are chains. Only I throw mine off at the end of a day’s work, and call my soul my own. There’s a hell of a lot of blokes drawing so-called fringe benefits who can’t do as much. Think about it, Arnold.

MILGRIP I

I don’t have to knock off if somebody blows a whistle.

BARNEY

I thought we would come to that. You mustn’t think we ike it, Arnold.

MILGRIP I

Then why do you stand for it?

BARNEY

There’s one important thing you blokes always forget when you throw that one up, mate.

MILGRIP I

What’s that?

BARNEY

It’s never a boss that’s blowing the whistle. It’s one of our mates. It makes a difference, Arnold.

Look we could chew over the fat over this one all night. Come on, let’s get back. (LAUGH) Blokes like us can’t afford to spend three hours over lunch. And, Arnold.

MILGRIP I

Yes?

BARNEY

Do me a favour,eh? Look up the trains and see I’m not too late home, will you.

(FADE IN TO STATION SOUNDS)

BARNEY

Right you are, Arnold. See you in the morning.)

MILGRIP I

Same train?

BARNEY

No, Make it a later one.

MILGRIP I

Here, just a minute - !

BARNEY

There you go again! Relax, boy, relax!

MILGRIP I

No, but seriously - !

BARNEY

I’m not going to do any skiving, mate. I’m just going into the firm tomorrow morning before I catch a train, that’s all.

MILGRIP I

Going into the - ? What for ?

BARNEY

Might be nothing at all.

MILGRIP I

Whate might be nothing?

BARNEY

This job. Something funny about it.

MILGRIP I

Funny?

BARNEY

Yeah. Something smells. I want to have a word with Jack Broomfield, and the blokes in the wharehouse. Right, mate. Back to me lady wife. And you get off to yours. Clear off, then. There’s no need to wait for my train to come in…..

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

MILGRIP I

Of course, it’s all nonsense.

MILGRIP II

The man’s a bolshie. Trade union layabout. That’s all. No sense of dedication at all.

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY) I liked him. Yes I did. I liked him.

MILGRIP I

It wouldn’t work if everybody carried on like that. (PAUSE, THEN HESITANTLY) Would it?

MILGRIP II

Of course it wouldn’t work! That’s just what’s wrong with the country, dammit!

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY) Wonder what it feels like? I mean, to say it? To actually say it? (TENTATIVELY) Carew, you can get stuffed. (RATHER MORE BOLDLY) Carew, you can get stuffed! (A SHOUT OF TRIUMPH) Carew, You - can - get - stuffed!

(THE DROP-HAMMERS GO MAD )

MURIEL

(RATHER SHRILL) I never heard such nonsense in my life. Of course he can thumb his nose at the boss. Because he’s nothing, that’s why. He’s nothing. He can be - ignored.

MILGRIP I

You’ve not met him, Muriel. He’s - he’s an - interesting little chap.

MURIEL

Interesting? Interesting? You’d find life interesting if you started throwing your wieght about like that.

MILGRIP I

I might too.

MURIEL

Arnold Milgrip, you stop this nonsense at once. At once, do you hear? You’ve got a good job with prospects as long as you behave yourself. You’ve got a car and a nice home, nicer than some round here if I do say it myself. All kippers and curtains, never met such a load of snobs and it’s not as if they’d anything to be snobbish about. They don’t send their kids to private school, some of them anyway, so you just remember that before you go getting ideas about…..

(HER VOICE CLIMBS THE SCALE UNTIL IT IS NO LONGER COHERENT)

B MANAGER

We should have to insist that you draw no further cheques against the account. You will appreciate that we are reluctant to take such a step, but in the circumstances we feel that we would have no alternative…..

(HIS VOICE TOO RAPIDLY CLIMBS TO INCOHERENCE)

CAREW

What is that you were saying, Milgrip? I interrupted you. You were about to advise me in the matter of responsibility…..

MILGRIP I

(WHISPERS INWARDLY) Get stuffed, get stuffed, get stuffed…..

(THE VOICE PETERS OUT)

STATION
ANNOUNCER

(MUCH DISTORTED) The train now arriving at Platform 11 is the 7.06 from Bradford, the Cornishman, going forward at 10.30 to Penzanca, calling at Cheltenham, Gloucester, Bristol, Taunton, Exeter, Plymouth, Liskeard, Bodmin Road, St. Austell, Truro, Redruth, Camborne….

(FADE OUT)

(FADE IN)

BARNEY

Morning Arnold.

MILGRIP I

Morning - er - Barney.

BARNEY

Cup o’ coffee, boy. That chuffin’ train was freezing.

MILGRIP I

We’re a bit late, you know.

BARNEY

You worry too much, Arnold.

MILGRIP I

It’s not me I’m thinking about. It’s Matheson’s.

BARNEY

They won’t be doin’ any complaining at Matheson’s when they hear what you’ve got to say.

MILGRIP I

What I’ve got to say?

BARNEY

Yeah. Not my job. You’re the mouth-piece.

MILGRIP I

What do you mean?

BARNEY

Coffee first, Arnold, eh? I’m bloody cold.

(FADE IN SOUNDS OF REFRESHMENT ROOM, VOICES OVER)

BARNEY

After you with the sugar, mate. And don’t look so worried. The way youre going on, you’ll be dropping the firm.

MILGRIP I

Sorry Barney. Had a bad night.

BARNEY

Too much ale?

MILGRIP I

Too much something.

BARNEY

Hard luck, mate. Happens to the best of us.

MILGRIP I

Yeah. What’s this news, then?

BARNEY

News?

MILGRIP I

About Matheson’s.

BARNEY

Oh, that. This mix.

MILGRIP I

Yes?

BARNEY

Oh, sure, it’s a mix, all right.

MILGRIP I

So it is our fault?

BARNEY

I didn’t say that, Arnold!

MILGRIP I

But you said - !

BARNEY

I said it was a mix. I didn#t say it was our mix.

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.

BARNEY

Let me tell you in words of one syllable. You know that every time we make a cast of steel - a furnace-load - every billet we roll is stamped with the number of that cast?

MILGRIP I

Of course. On the end of every billet. So that we can trace it back to the day it was made, and the furnace it was made in.

BARNEY

Right. Well, at Matheson’s yesterday I found ends of billets with two different cast numbers on.

MILGRIP I

That’s it, then. We’ll just have to sort it out, won’t we?

BARNEY

Not me, mate.

MILGRIP I

Not you. What the hell are you on about?

BARNEY

Listen carefully, Arnold. If you found two different cast numbers on the same size of billet, both deliviered on the same day, but different kinds of steel.

MILGRIP I

Both on the same day? Oh, well, there’s a good chance that we’d mixed them up.

BARNEY

They might have mixed ‘em, though?

MILGRIP I

Matheson’s, you mean? They might. It isn’t likely at Matheson’s, though. It’s a fairly efficient set up.

BARNEY

I’ll give you that. But supposing - just supposing - that the two casts in that bin had been delivered separately - one of them a month after the other?

MILGRIP I

A month after? Then it would have to be their own fault.

BARNEY

There you are. Simple, innit?

MILGRIP I

It would be Barney, but for one thing. Rogers gave me the cast numbers. Hold on a minute. I’ve got ‘em right here. Yes, here we are. MX2307 and MY8621. Both delivered on the same day. Both on the same advice note, in fact.

BARNEY

So Matherson’s are in the clear?

MILGRIP I

Yes.

BARNEY

There’s only one thing wrong with it.

MILGRIP I

Wrong?

BARNEY

Yeah. This. I found lots of billets with cast numbers MX2307. Lots. Easy.

MILGRIP I

Yes?

BARNEY

And thee was certainly some steel in the bin that was a different kind of steel altogether. The spark proved that.

MILGRIP I

So what would be the other cast - what was it? - here - MY8621

BARNEY

Yeah. That’s what I thought. Trouble was I couldn’t find a single billet-end with that cast number on. Funny, when there were quite a few of the other cast.

MILGRIP I

You couldn’t find a single billet with - er - MY8621.

BARNEY

No. Funny, innit? You can’t have a ten to twelve foot length of steel that’s all middle and no ends, can you now? And if there’s ends there has to be a cast marking.

MILGRIP I

I don’t see what you’re getting at -

BARNEY

Wait for it, Arnold. Took me the best part of a couple of hours to find a billet-end with a cast mark on that wasn’t - what was that first one ? - MX2307.

MILGRIP I

Did you find one?

BARNEY

I did. Cast MZ 3144.

MILGRIP I

MZ?

BARNEY

MZ. Delivered to Matheson’s a month earlier than the other two casts.

MILGRIP I

But this is terrible, Barney. It means that somebody is deliberately pulling a fast one.

BARNEY

That’s just what it does mean.

~M

I can’t believe it. Not deliberately.

~B

It’d have to be deliberate, Arnold.

MILGRIP I

I can’t - no, no. Not Rogers. He’s like a bear with a sore head, but he’s straight.

BARNEY

You know, Arnold, you’re not a bad guy, for a boss’s man. It doesn’t have to be Rogers though.

MILGRIP I

He gave me the Cast Numbers, remember.

BARNEY

Be your age, mate. D’you suppose Rogers went into the stell stores and got them Cast Numbers himself? No. Somebody fed Rogers with duff gen. Deliberately, too.

MILGRIP I

But - this is terrible.

BARNEY

It happens, I reckon. Can’t think why anybody should want to do it, but that’s not our worry, is it? Let Roger’s sort that one out.

MILGRIP I

Whoever did it should get the sack. On the spot.

BARNEY

Use your loaf, boy. He’ll have covered his tracks - whoever he is. Besides, how do you know why he did it?

MILGRIP I

There’s no possible excuse for that sort of -

BARNEY

Oh, knock it off, mate do! If you got your desserts, where do you think you’d be? Look we don’t know what made him do it, and likely we never will. Forget it.

MILGRIP I

Forget it? Forget it? I shall have to report it.

BARNEY

You won’t mate!

MILGRIP I

I will, you know.

BARNEY

You won’t, you know.

MILGRIP I

Why not?

BARNEY

Wher’s your evidence for a start?

MILGRIP I

You’ve got it!

BARNEY

Ah, but you haven’t, ‘ave you?

MILGRIP I

But - but - this is - ?

BARNEY

Terrible!

MILGRIP I

It’s -

BARNEY

Look, Arnold. You don’t understand. I’m not goin’ to shop one of my own kind. I don’t know what he did it for, and I don’t care. We’ve spotted it, so there’s no harm done, fas as I can see. Trouble is, you’re a boss’s man, so you can’t be expected to see it our way. You’re a boss’s man. That’s why you can’t tell them to get stuffed. Like I can. Simple, innit?

MILGRIP I

Simple? It’s immoral. Look at the expenses. Train fares. One day’s pay for you.

BARNEY

Two days, mate.

MILGRIP I

Two?

BARNEY

Sure. You don’t think I’m going to get the next train back do you? Oh no! You and me’ll have another nice lunch at that there hotel. Then, after lunch, you can break the news to Rogers. And I can get an early train back.

MILGRIP I

But it’s Matheson’s who ae responsible! Why should Universal foot the bill?

BARNEY

It’s all one to me, mate. I don’t care which of the bosses pays. They’re both bosses. Come on. Where’s the car.

(SOUND OF CAR ENGINE, VOICES OVER)

MILGRIP I

I don’t understand. I don’t understand.

MILGRIP II

That’s why they’re where they are. No morals. No morals.

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY) The things he syas. They remind me of - something.

MILGRIP I

I can’t hink why he won’t try to find out who’s responsible. He doesn’t know him. He might not even like him.

MILGRIP II

Thick as thieves, that’s what it is. Thick as thieves.

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY) The other blokes in the office. They’d shop me for a fifty-quid-a-year rise. They would, you know.

(SOUND OF DROP-HAMMERS)

BARNEY

Something on your mind, Arnold?

MILGRIP I

I’m sorry, I don’t understand it, at all.

BARNEY

O told you, mate, you worry too much. It’s because you once got the idea you’d like to be a boss yourself, I expect. It’s the price you pay.

MILGRIP I

I can’t accept that.

BARNEY

Oh yes, you can. If you try hard enough.

MILGRIP I

What do you mean?

BARNEY

Just once, Arnold, just once - before it’s too late - you should try telling them to get stuffed. Might do you the world of good.

MILGRIP I

A world of g - ?

BARNEY

Course, you might get the sack.

MILGRIP I

Is that all?

BARNEY

That might do you the world of good, too. You never know.

MILGRIP I

And how’s a chap to manage then?

BARNEY

Sounds as if you’re tempted, boy.

MILGRIP I

Oh, nonsense! But -

BARNEY

But you’d like to do it just the same. Eh?

MILGRIP I

I didn’t say -

BARNEY

Freedom’s a luxury, Arnold. And luxuries come dear. If you can’t pay the price, do without, I say.

( SOUND OF CAR ENGINE FADES IN AND OUT AGAIN)

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY) There’s a sort of weird logic about it all. A sort of rational nonsense.

MILGRIP II

Of course, it’s a load of bolshie codswallop. Where would we all be if everybody went round defying authority?

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY) Might be interesting tofind out. Might be very interesting. I wonder ….

(CAR ENGINE FADES IN AND BEGINS TO SLOW DOWN)

BARNEY

Here we are, boy. Matheson’s.

MILGRIP I

Yes. Yes.

BARNEY

Not looking forward to this, are you?

MILGRIP I

No. No, I’m not.

BARNEY

Want me to come in with you, then?

MILGRIP I

No, Barney. I think not. You don’t mind?

BARNEY

Me?

MILGRIP I

You spotted it. I thought perhaps -

BARNEY

I might want some of the credit>

MILGRIP I

No, no. Of course not!

BARNEY

All right, Arnold, all right. Look, out it this way. If you want me to come and hold your hand, I’m easy.

MILGRIP I

That’s one thing I don’t need.

BARNEY

Good. It’s all yours, then.

MILGRIP I

Yes.

BARNEY

Best of British luck, mate. I’ll read the paper while you’re gone, eh?

MILGRIP I

(ABSTRACTED) Yes. Tes. Do that.

BARNEY

Well, go on, boy. Go on. He can’t eat you.

MILGRIP I

It’s not that.

BARNEY

What then?

MILGRIP I

You don’t understand, Barney. Rogers carries the can whoever did it.

BARNEY

(LAUGHS) Just another fringe-benefit the bosses have got, mate. Go on, clear off, do. Give my love to Roger. See if he remembers me.

(SOUND OF CAR DOOR. DROP-HAMMERS IN DINSTANCE)

MILGRIP I

We’ve cleared up that complaint, Mr Rogers.

ROGERS

Good. What do you propose to do about it?

MILGRIP I

Weeell - it’s a bit - er - tricky.

ROGERS

Look, Mr. - er - !

MILGRIP I

Milgrip!

ROGERS

Yes. Look, has your chap sorted out the two casts, or hasn’t he?

MILGRIP I

No, Mr Rogers, he hasn’t.

ROGERS

He hasn’t? What the bloody hell has he been doing, then? I thought you said you’d cleared up the complaint?

MILGRIP I

Mr. Rogers, please. This is horribly embarrassing. Just give me a minute, please!

ROGERS

Carry on!

MILGRIP I

The mising of the two steels is not our responsibility -

ROGERS

What ?

MILGRIP I

Please! The steel was mixed here. In your own works.

ROGERS

You’re not getting away with -

MILGRIP I

We have proof, Mr Rogers. The two lots of steel in that bin were delivered a month apart. They couldn’t possibly have been mixed at the time of delivery.

ROGERS

What the hell are you talking about?

MILGRIP I

Be;ieve me, this is as bad for me as it is for you -

ROGERS

Oh, is it?

MILGRIP I

Yes, it is. I don’t like making accusations of sharp practice -

ROGERS

You’d better not!

MILGRIP I

I’ve no choice. You reported two cast mixed. MX2307 and MY8621.

ROGERS

Yes.

MILGRIP I

Ther’s no MY8621 in that bin, Mr Rogers.

ROGERS

What?

MILGRIP I

There’s no MY 8621 in that bin.

ROGERS

There’s two different lots of steel.

MILGRIP I

Granted, but the other is not MY 8621

ROGERS

Not - ?

MILGRIP I

We found one billet-end from cast MZ 3144.

ROGERS

MZ - ?

MILGRIP I

A cast that was delivered to you a month before the other two casts.

ROGERS

I don’t believe it! That would mean?

MILGRIP I

It would mean that somebody had deliberately misled you. They did. We have the proof.

ROGERS

Just a minute -

MILGRIP I

I’m very sorry. I mean, I’m very sorry we had to find out.

ROGERS

You’re saying that somebody here mixed these two steels?

MILGRIP I

Yes?

ROGERS

And then reported it was a supplier’s mix.

MILGRIP I

Yes.

ROGERS

And you can prove it?

MILGRIP I

Absolutely. I’m sorry, Mr Rogers, but there’s not a shadow of a doubt. None whatever.

ROGERS

Oh. (PAUSE) What do you propose to do about it?

MILGRIP I

I - I don’t know. It’s my duty to report it.

ROGERS

Of course.

MILGRIP I

But -

ROGERS

Well?

MILGRIP I

Mr Rogers, I -

ROGERS

Yes?

MILGRIP I

Are you proposing to report to my company that you made a genuine error? You now, sorry for the trouble, the usual thing?

ROGERS

Of course. Least I can do.

MILGRIP I

I think that might cover it.

ROGERS

You mean you won’t report the circumstances?

MILGRIP I

I won’t need to, will I? If the initiative comes from you? I shall simply say that on investigation it was found that we hadn’t sent a mix. I shall simply refer our people to your letter. And that will be an end of it.

ROGERS

Mr. - er - Milgrip, that’s very - er -generous of you!

MILGRIP I

Oh no. It’s just - well, you’ve not done me any harm. I don’t see any good reason to stir up trouble unnecessarily.

ROGERS

I shan’t forget that.

MILGRIP I

Not at all.

ROGERS

And you’ll leave me to get in touch with your people first?

MILGRIP I

If you wouldn’t mind. Then my report is just a formality.

ROGERS

I’ll get on the phone right away. Mr. Milgrip, put it there! I’m very grateful!

MILGRIP I

Think nothing of it!

ROGERS

What? If I’d sent samples of those two steels back to your lab, for checking, I’d have looked a right fool. You’ve saved me that!

MILGRIP I

Weeell - anyway, I must be going.

ROGERS

Right. Well - I’ll get in touch with your people right away. And - er - thanks once more. I’ll look forward to seeing you again!

MILGRIP I

Right. Cheerio, then!

ROGERS

Good day, Mr. Milgrip! Er - the name’s Ted by the way.

MILGRIP I

Arnold! Now I must go. I’ve got my colleague waiting in the car!

(SOUND OF DOOR)

BARNEY

Well, Arnold?

MILGRIP I

All right.

BARNEY

All right? Is that all?

MILGRIP I

There’ll be no fuss.

BARNEY

No reports? Nothing?

MILGRIP I

No. Just a formal acknowledgement that a complaint was unfounded.

BARNEY

Good! Now, where’s me bag? Ah! Here! Here, cop hold of that!

MILGRIP I

What is it?

BARNEY

It’s a billet end, mate!

MILGRIP I

I can see that.

BARNEY

You’ll be able to see the cast mark then?

MILGRIP I

Cast mark? Oh. M-Z-3-1-4-4.

BARNEY

That’s it. MZ 3144

MILGRIP I

What do I do with this.

BARNEY

Do what you like, mate. Frame it. Mount it an’ stick it in a chuffin’ glass case if you like. You’ve got the evidence now.

MILGRIP I

Thanks. Er - thanks, Barney.

BARNEY

Don’t mesh! Now, back to News Street, eh? And you can ring your boss up and tell him its all cleared up. An’ everybody’s happy.

(SOUND OF TELEPHONE)

MILGRIP I

Milgrip here!

CAREW

Look here, Milgrip! How much longer is this bloody nonsense at Matheson’s going on? I’ve got Inspection Department on my neck because they’re short-handed in spark-inspection, and we’re tying up one of their blokes in the Midlands indefinitely, to say nothing of the expense. And what’s all this about Collins coming home last night, I suppose this comes of sending a boy on a man’s job…

(CROSS FADE TO MURIEL)

MURIEL

I tell you this, I’m sick and tried of scrimping and scraping while you go gallivanting about the country with your boozy colleagues, so-called, and if that Carew so much as raises a finger you’re off it doesn’t matter that I might have made other arrangements for the evening oh no…

(CROSS FADE TO BANK MANAGER)

BANK
MANAGER

I’m sorry, Mr. Milgrip, I must insist that you make more determined efforts to keep your account in balance. I’m sure you will agree that we have been very patient but I’m very much afarid that we must finally draw the line….

(CROSS FADE TO CAREW)

CAREW

I shall want a full report from you on this business, Milgrip. If the thing had been properly tackled in the first place it could have been settled in five minutes. See to it, Milgrip. Get that finger out….

(THE SOUND OF DROP-HAMMERS COMBINES WITH ALL THREE VOICES AT HYSTERIA LEVEL)

MURIEL

If you’d only concentrate on getting ahead.

BANK MANAGER

It really is impossible for the Bank.

CAREW

The job of selling, Milgrip, is one that….

MURIEL

Instead of having a good time with buyers and

BANK MANAGER

to do its best for its clients except on a

CAREW

requires all your energies all the time I’m

MURIEL

so-called colleagues we might get somewhere

BANK MANAGER

basis of mutual trust we might get somewhere

CAREW

bound to say that I don’t see in you that sense

MURIEL

Look at Jim Matthews a Saels Manager already

BANK MANAGER

if your Company is unable to pay your expenses

CAREW

of dedication to the Company’s interests that

MURIEL

and he’s nearly six years younger than you

BANK MANAGER

more promptly it might be wiser to approach

CAREW

every salesman ought to have if a salesman

(THE COMBINATION OF DROP-HAMMERS, THE THREE VOICES AND THE RISING SCREAM OF THE HOT-SAW BECOMES INTOLERABLE BABEL OF SOUND, ENDING IN AN ALMIGHTY CRASH. THERE IS A BRIEF VERY STILL PAUSE.)

MILGRIP I

(SHOUTS) Oh, get stuffed!

CAREW

What was that, Milgrip? What did you say?

SWITCHBOARD
OPERATOR

Mr. Carew, I have another call for you!

CAREW

Just hold it a moment, miss.

SWITCHBOARD
OPERATOR

I’m sorry, Mr. Carew, I can’t do that -

CAREW

(SAVAGELY)All right! Take the number and I’ll call him back, whoever it is -

SWITCHBOARD
OPERATOR

I’m sorry, Mr. Carew, It’s the Managing Director!

CAREW

Oh. Ah. Well -well, all right, miss. Milgrip! I’ll speak to you later!

(A CLICK FOLLOWED BY THE DIALLING TONE)

MILGRIP I

Strewth, what have I done?

(PAUSE)

Better get Josie to book a call back right away. Apologise. Plead sickness. Pressure of domestic difficulties. Something. Anything.

(INWARDLY)I don’t care! I don’t care! I did it! I did it!

(EXTERIOR VOICE)Better start looking for another job. No. Make it convincing. Take a few days off. Send a doctor’s note. Might just get away with it. You never know.

(INWARDLY)I don’t care! I did it! Three cheers for Barney! Three chears for me!

(BUZZ OF TELEPHONE EXTENSION)

JOSIE

Mr. Milgrip! Mr. Carew for you!

(CLICK OF TELEPHONE CONNECTION)

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY) Oh, God! (EXTERIOR VOICE) Milgrip here!

CAREW

Oh, Milgrip. Glad I caught you. You’re to come up to the Works. Tomorrow. The M.D. wants to see you.

MILGRIP I

(INWARDLY)Oh, no!

CAREW

Seems he’s had Rogers on fromMatherson’s. I don’t know what you’ve been up to over there, Milgrip, but the M.D. sounded very pleased with you. Hrrm - in the circumstances, old boy - perhaps we’d better forget all about this - er- other business a few minutes ago. Eh?

MILGRIP I

No!

CAREW

’s that?

MILGRIP I

I said no.

CAREW

I’m sorry, I’m not with you.

MILGRIP I

I mean that I’ll come and see the M.D. tomorrow. With my resignation.

CAREW

Your resig- ?

MILGRIP I

Yes, that’s all.

CAREW

Milgrip! No don’t ring off. Perhaps we can sort this out.

MILGRIP I

I doubt it.

CAREW

At least tell me what the trouble is.

MILGRIP I

It’s a long story.

CAREW

Domestic trouble, old boy.

MILGRIP I

No, it’s not. I’m just sick and tired of being a rubbing-rag, that’s all. Sick and tried. I’ve been bitched, bothered and bewildered - and mostly by you - till Idon’t want to do a good job any more. There isn’t a single man on the shop-floor that would put up with it the way I’ve done. And I’ve had enough. That’s - that’s it.

CAREW

Oh. Oh. I see. Look, old man, let’s not do anything hasty, eh? Anything we might both regret. Tell you what. Come in and see me before you go up to see the M.D. Will you?

MILGRIP I

I’ll think about it

CAREW

Do that. Look forward to seeing you, old boy.

(CLICK. THE DIALING TONE)

MILGRIP I

Old boy! Right, now for Muriel! And then that chuffin’ bank manager! What was it that Barney said? Freedom’s a luxury. And luxuries come dear. True, Barney, true! But by God! They taste good!

(DROP-HAMMERS AND HOT SAW BEGIN SOFTLY, RISE TO A CRESCENDO, AND FALL AWAY AGAIN AS THEIR SOUND MINGLES WITH THE STRAINS OF THE CHORUS OF “RULE BRITANNIA” WHICH RISE TO A TRIUMPHAL END)